You would think...

...that since it's your son's birthday today, you'd still call him and wish him a happy birthday...even if you were mad at him.

Nope. Guess I was expecting too much of you...once again.

I'd wish you'd realize how warped your view on life is...and realize that life is passing you by while you sit, alone, unhappy and hold grudges.

Why we do the stuff we do...and an early Christmas Gift

If it were only that simple to answer that question.

But it's not.

I have no clue why my MIL does the things she does. Neither does my husband. We've spent many days and nights trying to figure her out, asking her mother what happened, why she is the way she is and no one knows.

Maybe it's her perceived horrific childhood (I say perceived because everyone else in her family denies the stories she's told about how rough her childhood was), bitter where her life has gone in the direction it has (even though most people would be pleased to have a full-time job, her husband employed, a roof over their heads and their children thriving in their adult-hoods), or maybe it's just that she's unhappy.

I've thought that she's generally unhappy for a while now, and while trying to figure out what to do for her birthday, we thought it would be nice for me, her son and her daughter to completely remodel her kitchen for her.

Pretty much from floor to ceiling. She spends so much time in her kitchen that it really needed a major facelift. It took a full weekend for the three of us (with some help from my mom, one of my SIL's friends) to get it all done. New paint, fixtures, cabinets painted and even new countertops.

After we got done, she came home and was pleased...

...but the bitter, unhappy MIL quickly returned.

They decided to come to our house to visit a month later. OK, fine...they brought her mother, which was fine since I thought (bad mistake), that my MIL would be on her best behavior since her mother was around.

Did you know I'm a horrible wife because I haven't GIVEN my husband a child? That's always something nice to say to a couple who is trying and has been for a while now (and she knows this).

That weekend couldn't have ended soon enough....

The next month, we left my husband's truck for his father to use for various projects he was trying to get done around the house...and since there's three of them in that house working full-time, it's easier to have three cars than just two. Usually my SIL will drive my husband's truck, which is fine. She works, puts gas in it and is a very careful driver. So when we heard that she wasn't allowed to use the truck, we were shocked.

Enter WWIII between the SIL and the MIL.

Luckily, that night, we were on our way to our hometown since DH and I had doctors appointments and it was Halloween weekend. DH told SIL that it's his truck, she can drive it and MIL has no say in it whatsoever. Well, that started what we'll call WW4 between DH and MIL. MIL didn't like that one bit, so she went out, took a toy intercom system that was in the truck and wrapped it around all of the doors so SIL could not get in the truck. SIL can't get in the truck = SIL can't use the truck (in MIL's mind).

Who does this?!?

SIL was effectively trapped at home since MIL went to sleep and hid all of the car keys.

Yeah, I can understand this if SIL was a drug abuser, violent, crazy - but she's not. She wanted the car keys to go get food - why? Because there wasn't any food in the house (now, I've been there, I still get like this sometimes where I think there's nothing in the house, but really, there wasn't anything in the house when we went over there the next day). There wasn't gas in any of the cars, so if SIL could have gotten the keys from MIL, she would have had to put gas in the car before going to get food...which is what MIL wanted because she thinks she's owed things...like gas in cars, paying her bills for her, etc. (Kid you not. But that's an entirely different post)

SIL will occasionally stay out late...but it's not like she's with a different guy every day...no, she goes NEXT DOOR to her best friend's house to watch Lifetime movies and eat ice cream. I kid you not. We've all told MIL about this and what SIL actually does, but she never believes us.

We went on a cruise last month (the same cruise I blogged about before about how we asked them to go with us), and it was so much fun...until we got back.

We had been traveling for 16 hours, me, DH, my parents, SIL and her best friend. We were exhausted to say the least. DH called his dad from Salt Lake City to tell them that we'd be there in an hour and to be at the airport ready to pick us up.

DH called an hour later and talked to MIL and told her that we were there.

So why did we have to wait an hour and a half for them to pick us up?

Because SHE didn't want to come to the curb of the airport (where we told her) or answer her cell phone for the 14 times that DH and SIL called her, or even thought to come into baggage claim.

Sorry, lady, it's 40' outside, I just came from the caribbean where it was 90'. It's a little cold to us, we are not going to be standing outside waiting for you. Well, except DH, who did stand outside for the hour and half waiting for them. They were there the whole entire time, but parked and expected us to scour the huge parking lots to find the two cars.

Say it with me....WHO DOES THAT?

She's actually pissed off at DH right now because he laid into her. I'm so proud of him that he actually told her where to put it and how she was wrong and stupid for thinking that we would play Where's Waldo in the parking lots for her. He pointed out that he had called her 12 times and showed her the calls, and showed her SIL's phone where she had called her twice...so MIL walked away from DH, got in the other car, FIL was wondering what was going on and standing with the car door open on the passenger side as MIL starts to pull away.

I kid you not. He wasn't in the car at all and she put the car in drive and was pulling away. SIL found out later that she had all of her incoming calls blocked so no one could call her. MIL says that she didn't know she had the settings like that...um, I'm not falling for that line at all.

So, our early Christmas gift...because MIL is so pissed off at DH, she's not talking to DH. Best. Christmas. Gift. Ever.

Instead of celebrating Christmas with her, we're not. Sorry, if you're going to pout like a 4 year old and use the silent treatment on us, we're not celebrating Christmas with you.

Get over it, apologize to DH and realize that you were wrong, bitter and unhappy and the reason you are is because you choose to be.

How a Monster-In-Law writes an email...or a card.

A lot of times, I just sit and try to process what in the WORLD people were thinking when they decided to do something. And, a lot of those times when it comes to Monster-In-Law, I can't figure it out at all. Most of the time, I just chalk it up to some twisted psychological warfare that she's trying to spew on us.

Now, I've learned with women in general, sometimes they can't convey what they're trying to say so they instead, write it in a card, in a letter, in an email...or even worse - in a Facebook Private Message. And most of the time, the cards, emails and PM's should have never been sent in the first place.

So, as you might have heard...my Monster-In-Law has some STIFF competition...there's a Monster-In-Law across the pond that sent her soon-to-be Daughter-In-Law this email:

It is high time someone explained to you about good manners. Yours are obvious by their absence and I feel sorry for you.

Unfortunately for Freddie, he has fallen in love with you and Freddie being Freddie, I gather it is not easy to reason with him or yet encourage him to consider how he might be able to help you.

It may just be possible to get through to you though. I do hope so.

Your behaviour on your visit to Devon during April was staggering in its uncouthness and lack of grace.

Unfortunately, this was not the first example of bad manners I have experienced from you.

If you want to be accepted by the wider Bourne family I suggest you take some guidance from experts with utmost haste.

There are plenty of finishing schools around. You would be an ideal candidate for the Ladette to Lady television series.

Please, for your own good, for Freddie's sake and for your future involvement with the Bourne family, do something as soon as possible.

Here are a few examples of your lack of manners:

When you are a guest in another's house, you do not declare what you will and will not eat - unless you are positively allergic to something.

You do not remark that you do not have enough food.

You do not start before everyone else.

You do not take additional helpings without being invited to by your host.

When a guest in another's house, you do not lie in bed until late morning in households that rise early - you fall in line with house norms.

You should never ever insult the family you are about to join at any time and most definitely not in public. I gather you passed this off as a joke but the reaction in the pub was one of shock, not laughter.

I have no idea whether you wrote to thank [your future sister-in-law] for the weekend but you should have hand-written a card to her.

You should have hand-written a card to me. You have never written to thank me when you have stayed at Houndspool.

[Your future sister-in-law] has quite the most exquisite manners of anyone I have ever come across. You would do well to follow her example.

You regularly draw attention to yourself. Perhaps you should ask yourself why.

It is tragic that you have diabetes. However, you aren't the only young person in the world who is a diabetic.

I know quite a few young people who have this condition, one of whom is getting married in June. I have never heard her discuss her condition.

She quietly gets on with it. She doesn't like being diabetic. Who would? You do not need to regale everyone with the details of your condition or use it as an excuse to draw attention to yourself. It is vulgar.

As a diabetic of long standing you must be acutely aware of the need to prepare yourself for extraordinary eventualities, the walk to Mothecombe beach being an example.

You are experienced enough to have prepared yourself appropriately.

No-one gets married in a castle unless they own it. It is brash, celebrity style behaviour.

I understand your parents are unable to contribute very much towards the cost of your wedding. (There is nothing wrong with that except that convention is such that one might presume they would have saved over the years for their daughters' marriages.)

If this is the case, it would be most ladylike and gracious to lower your sights and have a modest wedding as befits both your incomes.

One could be accused of thinking that Heidi Withers must be patting herself on the back for having caught a most eligible young man. I pity Freddie.

I see a lot of my Monster-In-Law in this email...for sure...

She once (after a horrific, tragic incident for my husband and myself) sent a card the only card she has sent or given my husband in the last 10 years.

Now, this wasn't a sympathy card, a condolence card, an I-can't-believe-what-has-just-happened-to-you-but-i'm-so-sorry-and-I'm-here-for-you-even-though-i'm-300-miles-away card...oh no. This was a "This is the time you need to look at yourselves and reaffirm your faith in God" card. Really? This is the time that you're trying to push your religion on us? Thanks.

She also wrote inside the card that no one is perfect, especially children.

Um, OK. That had nothing to do with the incident...but, um, thanks for the reminder that you think so highly of us...

I think my Monster-In-Law was on a card kick at that time, since a month before, gave me the famous birthday card (see the post "What did we marry into?").

Thankfully, Monster-In-Law has stopped the cards...and she doesn't do email outside of work...but I think even she would tell her British counterpart that she overstepped her bounds.

You win!

I regularly read FML (F*** my life)...and I'm usually amused about the stories that are on there. This one that was posted today, takes the cake:

"Today, I got a letter from my mother-in-law stating that demons made her spread rumors about me all over my hometown before my wedding. FML"

You win, sweetheart. Good luck with the wedding.

Lying...

If there's one thing I can't stand...it's lying.

One lie leads to another, then to another, then to another and soon you have a 6' snowball full of lies heading straight down hill.

I also consider "covering" as lying, especially in the matter of my Monster-In-Law...

She's one of those people that is all about appearances and how she can never say what she means and usually has a passive aggressive round about way to get at her point. She always has to look better than everyone else and lead that life...(little does everyone know, however...)

Take the big saga over the holidays for example...

We told my Sister-In-Law that we'd take her on a cruise for her 21st birthday as our gift to her. It's a big one, she's grown so much in the last year and hasn't had a good year so we thought, "Yeah, let's do something special for her." Of course, we asked MIL and FIL to come along.

I plan out the dates, the cruise, the airfare, the cost for every category state room because, MIL was saying, "Oh that would be so nice to have everyone go on a cruise...wow, 1400.00 with airfare isn't bad at all!!" It literally takes me days with the travel agent to plan all of this out.

Finally, when hubby is on the phone with his dad about getting the deposits squared away does the truth come out.

Monster-In-Law doesn't want to go.

Why?

Wait for it...

Wait for it...

Ready??

She's "scared" of water.

Yep. I could actually believe that she's scared of water if she hasn't been out on our boat a half a dozen times...or all of the times she's been swimming with us present...

Just. Tell. The. Truth!