I'm opening up the betting pool...

October marks the start of the craziest time of the year for our family, not because of the holidays, but because 80% of us have a birthday from now until December 31st. (eg, my maternal grandmother, mother and myself are only 9 days apart over Thanksgiving...it's insane)

I've kinda hinted in another blog about MIL and her awesome gift giving abilities, but I thought I should write this blog before everything gets started...

I don't know if it's being oblivious to what she's doing or how she's doing it, but over the years, she's given us some really odd things....like...

- A makeup set that came from the swap meet (think no-name colors, etc)

- A new silverwear set, except there were a couple of knives missing from the set (and one was missing from the display of the box...I still have this and don't know what to do with the set).

- A luggage set (as a wedding gift)...except the luggage was locked without a key attached, so we couldn't get the other pieces of luggage out of it...

So I'm opening up the pool to see what you all think she'll give this year....closest to guess will get a prize...of some sort. LOL

...and so it begins.

I'm starting to wonder if there's anyone else out there that has a family like my husbands...one that a birthday party for a 6 year old results in me flipping my monster in law off. No? No one else? Yeah, didn't think so.

It all started the second I sat down. Literally. Monster-In-Law and her mother (who's not so monsterish) sat there for 2 hours about how in 9 months they'll be holding the triplets that I'm carrying, RIGHT NOW. Still trying to be 'polite' (I don't know why), I said, "Nope, not in 9 months..." hint, hint, hint...yeah, they still didn't get it. I wanted to slap the monster-in-law and scream at her how she can't seriously be that stupid...but I didn't...

We were able to break away from them for a couple of hours, but as soon as we sat back down at their table it started all over again. I kept saying that there was NO WAY possible that in 9 months they'd be holding these tripliets that I'm supposed to be carrying and they still didn't get it....really?

I finally had to say, "Maybe in 10 months" and that's when their braincells decided to hold hands and work for once and figure out that they're not getting grandkids that fast, or that easily.

Monster-In-Law then started up on the very raunchy description of what needs to happen for her to get grandbabies...and that's when I flipped her off and walked out of the room.

Guess this was some kind of payback for the uber-gaudy Virgin Mary fishbone carving we brought back for her from Mexico...

What did we marry into??

I was asked this by a friend (who will also contribute to this blog) this morning.

I know for her...she didn't know the extent of her Monster-In-Law as it's progressed over the years, mine has just been batshit-crazy since my hubby and I started dating.

Before meeting any member of his family, he had to sit me down and tell me previous stories of his Mom....to 'warn' me...I didn't believe him, I mean, how can a MOTHER be this insanely horrible to her children? Surely, they were all making it up.

Here's some fun little tidbits that hubby told me before I met her...

- Hubby and his brother were dating sisters (awww, how convienent, right?)...Monster-In-Law gets them in the same room, sits them down and berates them while the guys are no where to be found...she then goes and hands Hubby a little slip of paper and tells him to keep this paper in his wallet for "protection" (more on that in a later blog), he forgets about it, is driving the girls home and unfolds it. One side is a passage from Corinthians (no biggie), on the other side is in her handwriting and it says, "I will never love anyone you bring home."

So you can see it was a big downhill slide after that happened.

Brother is still with the same girl...after 4.5 years with hubby, I havn't met her, she won't come out of the house when we go get Brother, she won't come out when Monster-In-Law won't be places, nothing. I'm starting to think she doesn't exist...

- After this story, I remember Hubby and I getting on the subject of how affectionate our parents are us, eachother, etc. He then tells me that he has never heard the words, "I love you," or "I'm proud of you," or any variation of...sad, really. It was an eye opening moment that people could even be like that to their children, and surely hubby must be making this up...so I asked Sister, same story. Brother, same story. Hmmm.

I had forgotten about this story until 2 years ago...my birthday rolls around (it's usually right before or on Thanksgiving), so we were over at the house for some reason and it was the day before my birthday. Monster-In-Law gives me a card. I'm shocked, for the two years before that I was hardly a blip on their radar, I didn't even think they knew when my birthday was...

I open the card...there's a 25.00 American Express gift card in there (and at this point, I'm so shocked I think I'm going to lose bodily functions), and it says, "Love you. Mommy & Papi" Ok...then I start thinking, "they meant this for Sister...it was her birthday just a couple of weeks ago." I look at the envelope. Nope. My name. Not hers...

I thank them, show Hubby the card and watch his expression melt from his normal happy-go-lucky to something between I've-just-been-punched-in-the-gut and my-dog-just-died. I frantically start to think, "Crap, what did I just do?" Sister notices her brother's expression and asks for the card...same thing happens when she reads it. Brother (now seeing this happen) reaches for it and chuckles. At this point, I'm thinking I'm the punchline of some damn joke again, and I can't figure out the punchline... I murmur to Hubby and he just says (very coldly), "We'll talk about it later." Great.

We pile into Hubby's truck (with Brother and Sister) and I said, "OK. What the hell just happened?" and Hubby looks at Sister (who's about to cry at this point) and says, "She's never, ever, told us that she loves us. Never."

"Pshaw! She has, you guys don't remember it..."
Sister: "Nope. Never. Ever. Spoken or written in a card."
Brother: "Yeah, here you are, dating him for 2 years and you get that..."

Ouch.

And this is just the tip of the iceberg...

Welcome to Crazy Town

Welcome to hell! I mean, Welcome, Everyone!

This blog was started for a couple of reasons...

First, even though I've been married for a whopping 34 days, I have Monster-In-Law stories that would turn your stomach, make your head spin and exclaim, "Holy crap. There's actually someone out there like THAT?!?

Second, I have friends who have Monster-In-Laws who are just the same and even, sometimes worse.

Third, we really need a place to get the stories out, move on and not dwell on them (sometimes, that's harder said than done, but hopefully this place will help).

So sit back with that morning cup of coffee...we'll bring you the stories (sometimes in random order as we get caught up, and sometimes the names will be changed to protect the guilty)...enjoy, laugh and hopefully it'll make you think that you really have a great mother-in-law or one that is just like ours.